Charlotte Jaeger, CJ to almost everyone, had given in. Her mates had hounded her to come out for months. Months! Because they cared. She knew that. Didn’t make the situation any easier, though. She huffed out a big breath, trying to calm her overwhelming nerves.

Although she didn’t feel like it at all, she showered, threw on a comfy, flowy, black dress and a shawl, then drove to their bar of choice. On the trendy outskirts of town. They’d offered to come and collect her, but she needed to know she could escape. Grief had a way of commandeering her emotions, how much she could cope with at any given moment.

Almost as soon as she entered the bustling venue car park, she pulled into a space. What were the chances? Did it suggest a positive omen? She turned off the engine and stayed in the driver’s seat, a wave of guilt-infused anxiety flooding her body.

Breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, she tried to self-soothe. She’d agreed to catch up with friends, that was all. Nothing to worry about. No pressure.

Didn’t matter how much her mates told her it was time. Time to break out of mourning mode and move on. Have some fun. Like they said consistently, and in the kindest way possible, she was young, still alive. She needed to live.

And she did. She got it…rationally. Understood where they were coming from, that they truly were trying to help. Enforcing the idea in her everyday existence, though, meant something entirely different.

To this point, her emotions still hadn’t caught up to her thinking. Until someone was in her position, they really didn’t understand. She’d never even contemplated her current circumstances until it affected her personally.

Fairy lights wound around the external patio into what she imagined was a beer garden, but the dim, internal environment enticed her inside. So pretty. Enabling her to hide in the shadows, just what she needed. She hadn’t been out of the house to socialize for months. Not since…

Not the time to think about that now, to think about things beyond her control. She’d promised she’d come and hang out, like they used to. After all the support her besties had given her, she wanted to give back, even in the smallest way. Not be a flaky, whining, excuse-maker. She text messaged her girlfriend group.

Are you here? I just parked.

In seconds she received a response from Lexie.

Me, Sage and May are already inside in a booth, by the fireplace.

Oh. As an introvert, she struggled to walk into a crowded venue at the best of times, particularly when all her friends had already arrived. However, she couldn’t sit in the car park forever. Especially now that they knew she’d actually turned up. Although difficult, challenging, it was better than her having to enter alone and find a spot in the people-filled place.

After checking her makeup and ensuring her wavy red hair hadn’t gone into frizz mode, she snatched her handbag from the front passenger seat and stepped into the chilly night air. She wrapped her shawl tight around her, then shut the car door and locked it, her heart racing at record speed. She hadn’t experienced that since…

CJ clenched her teeth and tried to hold back tears. I can do this. It was just a night out with the girls. Nothing more. She could decide the outcome—how comfortable she was, how long she stayed.

Bordering on hyperventilating, she pushed herself forward, joined the heaving queue, and inhaled the soothing scent of smoky eucalyptus. The grounding smell of the forest, of nature, soon had her settling slightly, and she gathered her waist-long hair over her shoulder and studied the ends. The combination of sensory mindfulness techniques had taught her how to avoid panic attacks.

After a few minutes, she finally entered the venue and searched for her friends. Vulnerability, and a fresh surge of adrenaline, shot through her like a hair-trigger handgun.

What was she doing here, in this crazy-crowded, packed place? Yes, she’d promised to come but…

The warm downlights caressed the top of her head, and she caught her reflection in the closest window. Her husband, Max, had always loved her free-flowing auburn locks. He’d said time and time again that the strands flickering in the light reminded him of a blazing hot bonfire. Beautiful, striking, unforgettable.

She clamped her eyes closed and breathed out a steadying breath.

When she opened them again, she couldn’t miss her girlfriends standing and waving from halfway across the pub, and she bee-lined to their booth, weaving through the throng of patrons milling around the bar.

“Hi.” She sat on the unoccupied seat beside May, right on the aisle, ridiculously out of breath. Anxiety had a way of doing that, no matter how much she was supposedly in shape.

Lexie scanned over her with her too-observant, gray-green eyes. “You need a drink.”

“I do.” CJ couldn’t deny it, though maybe she shouldn’t agree to any alcohol. She needed her cool, calm, clear wits about her more than ever.

“Hugo Elderflower Spritz?” Lexie smiled conspiratorially. She knew her a bit too well.

How could she say no to that? Refreshing and not too intoxicating. Enough to take the edge off her frayed nerves.

“Um…yes, please.” She’d make sure she sipped it, and focus on discussing the ladies’ lives. She was sick of talking about herself and her issues. Sick of the sympathy. She’d spent a year speaking nonstop about how she felt. No more pity party.

Lexie also asked May and Sage for their drinks of choice, then took off to the bar.

CJ manufactured a cheerful smile. “How are you all going? I’m looking forward to hearing your news.” And she was, legitimately. She didn’t want to become one of those emotionally draining, consistently morose friends. She didn’t want to be seen as someone unable to move forward, someone without resilience, someone who’d become a victim.

Sage answered first, speaking about how her psychology practice had met her aspirations, and that Solve Security had continued to grow and excel. With a dreamy smile on her face, she couldn’t hide how much she loved her spouse, and owner of the business, Alexander, and admitted that they’d started trying for a baby.

May then updated them on her husband Westley’s recovery and that they were still very much enjoying their honeymoon period, in between her continuing to work selected Solve Security cases.

Lexie returned partway through the conversation, and informed them about how her partner, Chase, had resumed his lawyer role, and reinforced their relationship was as amazing as ever. On top of that, she’d committed to a couple of Solve Security jobs, which took up a fair chunk of her non-Chase time. However, overall, she loved her current position, loved her future prospects, loved her life.

CJ offered a safe response, letting them know she’d perfected her violin part for the upcoming Melbourne Symphony Orchestra production. The only thing she couldn’t comment on was the man situation, because she didn’t have anyone in her life and didn’t know if she ever would again.

She’d excelled within the classical music industry, in her role within the strings section, but outside of work, she no longer had a fulfilling personal life or any romantic prospects. Playing the violin remained her only whole-hearted passion. That, and speaking to her close-knit friendship group.

In terms of seeking out a loving relationship with another male, she hadn’t even been in the right headspace. Somehow, she kept a smile plastered to her face and hoped it looked believable. “I’m so happy to hear how well you’re all doing.”

Before her girlfriends could respond, could ask her anything else, which she dreaded, a man said, in the deepest, most seductive voice she’d ever heard, “Here are your drinks, ladies.”

She stared at the table in an attempt to stop the sudden burst of lust from coursing through her system, to stop feeling.

“Render, so nice of you to personally serve us.” Lexie had a legendary smart mouth. She made every encounter interesting.

“How could I ignore such a beautiful bunch of women?”

“Always the charmer.” May laughed, and the others joined in.

Except her. She wished she could. Wished she could return to being a regularly positive part of her BFF group.

She snuck a peek via her peripheral vision. The guy handed out everyone else’s cocktails, leaving hers until last. “Hugo Elderflower Spritz?”

Like he didn’t realize every other person had received their drink except her, and yet she couldn’t help but glance up, meeting his intense light-hazel gaze. She could have gotten drunk on those whiskey-colored eyes. My goodness, the man’s Adonis personified.

Short, dark-blond hair—a little overgrown but still sexy as hell—tall, built, buff, ripped, his tight, white T-shirt conformed to his torso like clingwrap. Many a hot-blooded woman’s dream. Fantasy. Including hers.

No.

She couldn’t go there.

Or could she? Her heart hammered, her body tingling with an undeniable, hard-to-ignore yes please! And got into a debate with her mind. Maybe she could give him the benefit of the doubt, give in to her desire. Maybe for just a few hours, just for tonight.

Her body made an excellent point, a hard-to-refute argument. Allowing for a fun, short-term, no-expectations, let-off-some-steam experience.

She hadn’t had one of those, well, ever. What was the harm? Rationally, she wanted to grow, progress, move in a positive direction. Did he strive to get the best out of life too? And even if he did, even if she did, her mind continued to interfere, throwing all sorts of obstacles in her way, extinguishing her excitement. Her self-talk made it clear she needed more time.

The current song finished, followed by a pause between tracks. “Yes, that’s mine. Thanks.” Her voice came out all soft and breathy, betraying her attempt at aloofness.

His lips lifted into the most entrancing smile which, to her absolute pleasure, reached his stunning eyes, practically making her ovaries explode. And his clean, fresh, alluring fragrance, mixed with the smoky scent from the fire, only added to her Render appreciation.

The classic eighties track Like To Get To Know You Well started playing, reflecting her dreamy, youth-inspired wishes. And as if in slow motion, without taking his eyes off hers, Render placed CJ’s drink right in front of her. “If you need anything else, you let me know.”

Why did that sound so sexual, so flirtatious? So enticing. Had he purposely chosen insinuating words? Words laced with innuendo. Was it a tactic he used to suss out a woman’s response, her interest? Or had she jumped to conclusions as a result of her superficial attraction to the man?

Could he tell she desired him, even against her own will? Or had he trained his gaze on her, knowing the other striking women were unavailable. Maybe both. Both options totally drowned her enthusiasm.

With her emotions still so screwed up, and at war with her brain, she didn’t even know what she wanted. Concepts sounded good, doable, until reality hit home. And maybe that’s where she should have stayed. Why had she agreed to come out? Ignorance, naivety, peer pressure, obligation, FOMO.

She understood her friends had the best, selfless intentions but…tonight had already shown she wasn’t ready on so many levels.

The bartender returned behind the counter, her eyes following him the whole way. His broad back, how it tapered into his narrow waist, how his blue jeans fit nice and snug around his butt and powerful legs had her squeezing her thighs tighter together.

“You like him.” Sage’s sweet yet confident voice penetrated the loud chatter, the blaring background music, breaking through her lustful haze.

CJ shot her gaze to Sage. The untamable smile on the woman’s face extended to her big amber eyes. “What? No.” Except she felt the heat rising from her chest to her cheeks. With her super fair skin, she had to glow a bright, blinding red. Even in the dim light, she couldn’t hide her attraction, couldn’t successfully enforce her denial.

“You do.” Lexie stared at her with a try-and-deny-it smirk, her goth intensity hard to ignore, hard to argue against.

May turned to CJ and touched her upper arm, making sure she had eye contact before she spoke. “He’s a player, but he’s a good guy.” Her spellbinding, sea-green stare reinforced her girlfriend group had a matchmaking agenda.

Shit. She hadn’t yet come close to considering even attempting to connect with a new man, any man, even though her mates apparently believed this provided the perfect chance. CJ slipped out of her friend’s grasp and glanced at her fidgety hands. “What are you saying?” Because she needed clarification, she didn’t want to assume.

Lexie jumped in. “You’re attracted to each other. It’s obvious. Don’t even try to pretend otherwise.” Her straight-up, outspoken friend sucked a large sip from her drink and propped her forearms on the shiny tabletop.

She waited until CJ met her gaze before she spoke further. “Listen, I’ve known him a long time and trust me, he’s decent. The others can vouch for him too. He’s an excellent option for you to dip your toe back into the dating pool, splash around and have some fun. He’ll treat you with respect. Rebuild your confidence. He’ll work with whatever you want.”

What did that mean? How? Her brow puckered. Just the idea of sexually engaging with another guy already pushed her current boundaries, but especially if he did it from a purely ‘therapeutic’, practical-sexual-intervention perspective. Clinical, detached, passionless.

No. She didn’t need someone to hook up with her out of pity or sympathy. CJ didn’t want that kind of favor. She’d rather fantasize while she touched herself later, without interacting with a do-gooder, perfect stranger.

She swallowed the angst clogging her throat. Although she could do with the physical release, craved it for the first time in over a year, she needed to know that if she interacted with him, he wanted her too, that he found her attractive. And on top of that she had to feel ready and relaxed enough to enjoy another man’s touch.

She didn’t want to play games with Render, didn’t want to lead him on, didn’t want him to see her as some sexual charity case either. Or him promise her bullshit he couldn’t uphold.

“What we’re all essentially saying is you need a good fuck.” Lexie rarely minced her far-from-PC words.

A bit of flirting, a bit of making out, sure, but taking it further? CJ shook her head. “I can’t.” Technically she could—mentally, physically—but not emotionally.

“If you don’t think you can, then that’s okay, but just remember that change requires stepping out of your comfort zone.” Sage reached for her hand across the table and held it, her lustrous cinnamon hair falling forward. “In the end, you need to go with whatever feels right for you.” She had such a caring, supportive manner. It was hard to go against her reasoning.

May pressed her palm to CJ’s forearm, the heat penetrating her skin. “Convince us you’re not interested, and we’ll let it go.”

“We wouldn’t recommend a guy we didn’t trust. A guy who wouldn’t work with what you need. What you both need.” Lexie’s potent gaze pierced her soul.

The flickering blaze from the fireplace mixed with the candlelight, creating shadows that danced across the table, drawing her gaze back to the man in question, who stood staring at her from behind the bar.

Goosebumps raised all over her skin. She sucked in a breath and turned back to her friends. “Okay, I admit he’s attractive. What woman wouldn’t want him?”

“We don’t care about other women, we want you to have him.” A sinful smile slid onto Lexie’s scarlet lips.

“I don’t know.” She did know, on a lust level, but if she agreed to go home with the guy, what would he expect? She didn’t want to give him false hope. Or herself.

“Just spend some time speaking to Render and see what you think.” Sage had this unbelievably compassionate stare, like she could tap right into a person’s thoughts, her thoughts.

“Fine. I’ll talk to him. No promises, though.” CJ had to go with how she felt at any given moment, and give consent accordingly. Her husband’s sudden death had created a persisting fragility that affected her at a cellular level.

Once she’d finished her cool, refreshing cocktail, she had a soda water, with Render continuing to provide his undivided attention. The alcohol from her first drink had already decreased her inhibitions, enough to break her free from her grief-laden shackles, while retaining her alertness and sensibility. It’d provided just enough liquid courage so she could consider a possible new experience without any regrets. And still drive home safely.

While chatting with her friends, CJ had kept a subtle eye on the guy, and he’d shown pleasant, professional but not flirty behavior with any other woman. Only her. Several times, she’d snuck a look and caught him staring back.

So exhilarating…if only she knew how to successfully chat up a man. Unfortunately, she’d never really learned that skill. And now her unresolved feelings about Max’s death, about being with another guy, chipped away at her confidence, guilted her into remaining unaware, alone, and unsatisfied.

“CJ, the rest of us need to get going.” Lexie’s voice jolted her from her unrelenting, self-absorbed thoughts. Her friend stood and put on her jacket, with May and Sage following suit.

No. An infusion of panic raced through her veins.

CJ checked the time, and it was close to closing. Where had the night gone? “Not yet. Please.”

Sage gave her a goodbye hug. “Render will look after you.”

“And if he doesn’t, I’ll break his balls.” Lexie said it with a bit too much pleasure.

“Me too.” May wrapped her in a you’ll-be-fine embrace. CJ stood to let her out, then planted her butt back down on the leather-covered bench, her mind and body buzzing with all-consuming conflict.

With collusive smiles, her friends waved as they exited the front door. Why didn’t she leave with them? What kept her glued to her seat?

Him.

Curiosity.

Nervous anticipation.

What would he do next? What would she do? How would she react?

While she contemplated her missed opportunity to escape, and how to best manage her decision to stay, Render came over and grabbed their empty glasses. “Come and sit at the bar. Keep me company.”

Although a little demanding, something about his voice had the tension dissipating from her shoulders and stomach, and made her feel safe. Like he’d sensed her stress, like he cared, like he didn’t want her to go. Like she’d made the right choice.

So she followed. Ridiculous, right? But she couldn’t ignore the draw to him. A classic example of unexplainable chemistry. She hardly knew the man and yet she couldn’t keep away.

Pulling up a stool, she sat silent and watched him. Render had bucket-loads of charisma, and could engage with punters while also doing barman duties, like cleaning down the counter-top, collecting glasses and stacking them in the dishwasher. And he knew how to make every drink a patron ordered and did it with poise and flare. Tom Cruise in Cocktail had nothing on this guy.

How did Lexie know him? She used to be a cop. Was he an ex-cop too? Or had she met him through the bar? Maybe they’d slept together in the past. Didn’t matter. Or at least, that’s what her brain said.

Even while he completed the required tasks, he didn’t ignore her, frequently making eye contact and smiling, coming over to check how she was doing, if she wanted anything else. And my goodness, did he have a great smile, framed by that gorgeous golden scruff. It lit up his whole face with undeniable sincerity, winning her over more and more with each second.

But would he take her sticking around as a subtle guarantee for sex? Because although she sensed the mutual attraction between them, she still wasn’t sure she could do the one-night-stand thing. Not now, maybe not ever. No matter how much he activated all her arousal buttons.

The final few patrons and bar staff left, and he locked up. The Cure’s Let’s Go to Bed started and he approached her, staring straight into her eyes. “Want to have a nightcap?”

“Is that code for sex?” she blurted before her brain intervened.

Render threw back his head and laughed.

His potent hazel eyes fixed on hers, a sexy grin settling onto his lips. “If you want it to be.”